Saturday, December 29, 2007

Today's Noun - Beginning

be·gin·ning /bɪˈgɪnɪŋ/[bi-gin-ing]
1. an act or circumstance of entering upon an action or state
2. the point of time or space at which anything begins:
3. the first part:
4. Often, beginnings. the initial stage or part of anything
5. origin; source; first cause:
6. just formed: a beginning company.

[Origin: 1175–1225; ME beginnung, -ing. See begin, -ing1]


Few, if any at all, are going to understand what is written here, besides me. But glean what you can, and welcome to the recesses of my mind. =)

At this time of year all of us come to an ending and a beginning. Humans tend to shed their proverbial "old skins" - like a snake - at times like this and encouage new growth in themselves. It's the natural way of things.

I'm into growth. It is my understanding (viewpoint?) that the purpose of humanity is to grow and evolve into something that it is not - yet. I feel a huge responsibility to do my personal part in that. We're all connected. If I don't do my part, someone else has to do it, and I become the burdensome one who retards everyone elses growth. I refuse to let that happen if I can do anything about it. I want to be ALL about growth.

Loving the learning, hating the process
In 2007 I have experienced the growth process of endings. I've spent much of the year dealing with grief. Losses of all types - People, places, things, a job I loved and was damn good at, relationships - serious ones and minimal ones, hopes, dreams. This has been the greatest catalyst for *other* types growth this year.

"Ain't THAT amazin' - Gracie?"
In 2007 I have experienced the growth process of beginnings. What I actually saw as I looked closely at those seeming beginnings, was that they are not! The truth is they are simply continuations or a rediscovering of things that were laying dormant, waiting to be focused on. Waiting to become useful again. Things that, apparently, I wasn't finished "growing" through, so they present themseves again - to be nurtured and fed to maturation.

~!Whew!~ Missed THAT catastrophe by the skin of my teeth!
In 2007 there has been *phenomenal* growth process in clarification ability. It's rising like the Phoenix out of the ashes. I have learned, through grief, that death is necessary for growth to take place - again, it is the nature of things. Pruning is painful, but produces lovely blooms. If I had stayed in a previous lifestyle, this clarification would not have taken place. I'd have stayed under the thumb of stagnation, and molded there. Fate did me a huge favor. I'm humbly grateful.

The Borg Factor
In 2007 there have been changes *to* my life that I had no control over. The result of this has been a solidifying of my resolve. (Translation - It made me even more stubborn) From this point forward my resolve is to be as proactive as possible. I won't fight unless I have to, but I'm prepared in any event.

So, this is your only warning, you dirty control freaks of the Borg Collective. All of you. Assimilation is NOT an option - You won't take me without a fight. Don't tempt me to upload a virus that will destroy all your circuits with the mere push of a button. Don't underestimate me because of my graceful demenor and blonde hair - I'm not weak, I am motivated. Inside this chest beats the heart of a Lioness, the supressed wrath of a woman scorned, and the spirit of Ghengis Kahn. I have no qualms about killing anything that threatens my den. It's time for YOU to learn that change is inevitable and resistance is futile. You've bullied everyone long enough.


This little review has shown me I haven't been living with nothing to show for it. That's just REALLY good news, to me.

Now . . . where's the champagne?

Monday, December 24, 2007

Today's Noun - Hope

hope /hoʊp/ hohp] hoped, hop·ing.
–noun 1. the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best: 2. a particular instance of this feeling: 3. grounds for this feeling in a particular instance: 4. a person or thing in which expectations are centered: 5. something that is hoped for: 6. to look forward to with desire and reasonable confidence. 7. to believe, desire, or trust: 8. to feel that something desired may happen: 9. Archaic. to place trust; rely 10. hope against hope, to continue to hope, although the outlook does not warrant it:

[Origin: bef. 900; (n.) ME; OE hopa; c. D hoop, G Hoffe; (v.) ME hopen, OE hopian]


It occurs to me today that it takes a lot of courage to be hopeful. One has to walk into hope with the knowledge that hope is just a dream, yet, with hope that dreams do come true. What a dichotomy!!

We often have no hope at all that a certain desire may be fulfilled. So much so that we discard the desire as a dream that died and went to hell, and turn to a journey where we actively work for someone else's desires to be fulfilled. As we travel the road of fulfilling the hopes of another, our own hope peeks out from around the corner then darts back out of sight as soon as we turn to look at it - taking it's essense with it. (Wait a second! I sent that hope to burn in hell!!) Then, it begins to get more bold, and stay just long enough for us to begin to recognize it's face. It essence invades you, almost against your own will, to make a real change in your life.

You begin to question. . . Do I dare to hope? Do I dare take the chance? Do I have "reasonable confidence" (as is expressed in the definition above) that this can morph from being dead and in hell into livable reality? I can't go through much more pain, unless the pain actually produces some positive results. Is this a *real* hope, or only real because I secretly hope for it to be so?

Hope is just a . . . thing. But what courage it takes to dare to accept it.

Today, I start a new journey. One of hope for myself, not for another another this time. I choose to be brave. I choose to hope. I choose to rescue it from the hell to which I, personally, banished it - come what may.

Where is my shovel?

Saturday, December 15, 2007

Today's Noun - Farewell

fare·well /ˌfɛərˈwɛl/ [fair-wel]
goodby; may you fare well: Farewell, and may we meet again in happier times. –noun
an expression of good wishes at parting
leave-taking; departure: a fond farewell.

[Origin: 1325–75; ME farwel. See fare, well1]

In light of the excellent news that I will be starting a new job on January 2, I was able to turn in my notice at the college bookstore. Today was my last day. Since it was a temp position, a longer notice was not called for. (And boy, am I glad!) I am going to take a couple of weeks off to enjoy the holidays, spend time with my family, and mentally prepare myself for the new job.

Everyone knew it was my last day fifteen minutes after I got there and informed the baby-talking manager. Ironically, everyone was much more friendly toward me today than they ever had been before. Many asked questions about the new job, and what it was like to work under such conditions. Several started telling me about the mental illnesses in their family. A couple asked my advice about what to do with their own teenagers. Isn't it interesting how people change once they find out things about you? They (save one) were not interested in my life before, nor even interested in being friendly as co-workers, but once they found out I was leaving and why, their tunes changed.

There are (well, were!) five temps working at the bookstore right now. The manager let all of us go a while early today because we just were not very busy. I had gone to the storage room to get my coat and say my goodbye's. As I made my way back up to the front to leave I spoke to each person, giving them good wishes for the holidays. I felt almost a sadness. It was quite strange, because I really hated this job. I did not expect to feel anything but joy as I left. But alas, I was wrong. It was clear that the others were feeling the finality of things as well. It showed in their eyes and in their body language.

When I'm in front of virtual strangers and don't want to show my feelings, I tend to resort to joking around. I searched my brain for an idea of how to help all of us feel better. They were all standing at the counter - staring at me with goofy grins on their faces - and I was in front of the counter - and I don't have a clue what my expression was.

Then it hit me.

I clicked my heals together three times, and said . . . "There's no place like home. There's no place like home. There's no place like home."

They all laughed.

Then I rushed over to the Mr. Thrifty display that a co-temp and I put up last week. I grabbed up the skelleton, wiped a faux tear from my eye, and said . . . "I think I shall miss you most of all."

They all laughed even harder.

I then walked out the door (and the inevitable "dong without the ding" resounded in my ear for the last time), saying . . . "Come on Toto. We're going HOME!" . . . while motioning for an invisible dog to jump into my arms.

As I turned to wave as Dorothy would, I saw them holding their stomachs and pointing at me, and laughing harder than ever.

I didn't feel sad anymore. =)

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Bonus Noun - Question

ques·tion /ˈkwɛstʃən/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[kwes-chuhn] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation
a sentence in an interrogative form, addressed to someone in order to get information in reply.
a problem for discussion or under discussion; a matter for investigation.
a matter of some uncertainty or difficulty; problem (usually fol. by of): It was simply a question of time.
a subject of dispute or controversy.
a proposal to be debated or voted on, as in a meeting or a deliberative assembly.

[Origin: 1250–1300; (n.) ME questio(u)n, questiun < style="FONT-VARIANT: small-caps" href="" minmax_bound="true">-tion; (v.) late ME < MF questioner, deriv. of the n.]

In our {American} culture questions are often used as a way to convey judgemental opinions, be sarcastic, and be condescending. I really despise this particular aspect of our culture because it causes me problems.

I'm a question asker. Some don't understand that, for the most part, my questions are just that - questions. Inquiry. An attempt to disover, uncover, discern, acertain, hear, perceive, and learn. BUT . . . I see that *sometimes* I do use questions as a coping mechinism to convey my true inner feelings. At times, with some, it seems safer to covey a feeling in the form of a question rather than just laying a wounded bleeding heart out there to be further pummeled. This is part of the problem, and indeed something I need to change. I need to stop doing that. Now.

I already know why it happens that some misunderstand. I fully "get" that it's not what you say, but how you say it. Understanding something doesn't mean one has mastery over it 24/7/365, however. Especially me. I'm a very blunt spoken person - the shortest distance between two points is a straight line. I'm trying as hard as I can to learn to communicate that I am really seeking the answers, not being a b*tch. I often do this with disclaimers. But some don't want to hear the disclaimers, and tell me to "get on with it" even though I'm not being pedantic. So, the problem remains.

One aspect of this I see causing a communication problem for me is . . . I'm passionate. About almost everything. If something is worth doing, it's worth doing right. To do it right, I have to have information. I am sure my passion comes across the same way my questions do. Differently than I intend, and as if I'm judging, being condescending, or that I'm right and they are wrong. The problem is, it all looks the same to some people who do not have the perspective in the moment to discern when I'm when I'm simply being passionate.

Yet another aspect of all this I see - in my vocation I am required to be this blunt spoken, passionate, kind of person. It's imparitive to the success of my work. The fact that I'm the type of person I am is exactly what makes me very successful in this work, and has served me well 99.9% of the time!! In order to contnue being successful, I have to keep these skills honed and sharp. I "am" my work, and my work is "me." Whether that work is as a mother, a friend, as a daughter, a spouse, or in my vocation - I yam what I yam and that's all that I yam. =)

In order to communicate with some I'm taking the responsibility to change, not "expecting" another to do any changing - that's just not going to happen in this lifetime. There are some who just cannot accept this aspect of who I am. I'm putting in the effort to learn how to convey accurately to these who don't accept my ways. I just don't know how to change such a core part of myself and do it differently. But I have to. If I can't learn, and quickly, some things are going to happen to my child that I do not want to happen.

Today's Noun - FUN

fun /fʌn/ [fuhn]
something that provides mirth or amusement
enjoyment or playfulness
Informal. joke; kid. –adjective
Informal. of or pertaining to fun, esp. to social fun: a fun thing to do; really a fun person.
Informal. whimsical: flamboyant: The fashions this year are definitely on the fun side. —Idioms
for or in fun, as a joke; not seriously; playfully: His insults were only in fun.

[Origin: 1675–85; dial. var. of obs. fon to befool. See fond1]

I am looking for a permanent employment postion in my chosen vocation, but that's a bit hard to come by - I have a highly specialized vocation. I do have an intervew tomorrow morning that I'm excited about though! In the interim I am working at a temp position in the bookstore at a college.

The bookstore is quite typical, as college bookstores go. Lots of hoodies and nick-nacks in school colors, and the school logo plastered everywhere. The windows have been decorated with strategically placed hand-cut paper snowflakes. Just near the door there is a Christmas tree on a counter - complete with green and white {school colored!} lights - and a huge mother-of-pearl white star on top with . . the school logo, in school colors.

The television that hangs precariously over a wheeled table displaying cheap blankets (sporting the school logo in school colors) is constantly showing the same loop of school propaganda, every ad also sporting the school logo in school colors, WHILE playing the school fight song. . . . over and over. And over. Ad nauseum.

Every time someone enters the store an "Avon Calling" bell rings. When someone leaves, all you hear is half of the same familiar tone - the last half. The "dong without the ding" is a bit disconcerting, let me tell you! What is up with that? "Avon Leaving" perhaps? I suppose I should count my blessings - it could play the school fight song with a strobe light in school colors flashing to the tempo.

My new friend R. and I created a display of "Mr. Thrifty" today. Mr. Thrifty is a skeleton. For a mere $67 (that's a "thrifty" price, eh Mr?) one can purchase the entire plastic skeleton on a hook. So, we put him at the logical beginning of the display, with signage [in school colors with the school logo] saying . . . "Mr. Thrify needs only $67 +Tax of love to be whole again".

Next, we placed three models of Mr. Thrifty's skull.

The first sign [under the first model] says . . .
"Every Woman's Dream - Mr. Thrify! No Removeable Parts: $27 +Tax."

The second sign [under the second model] says . . .
"More Realistic Mr. Thrifty! No Brain; Easily Removeable Head! $32 +Tax".

The third sign [under the third model] says . . .
"Mr. Thrifty - with brain and removeable parts; PRICELESS!!
(but to get the best you gotta PAY!! - - - $37 +Tax)"

After the display was finished we observed several students laughing at the signs. It made our day. =)

Saturday, December 1, 2007

Today's Noun[s] - Boundary or Frontier?

bound·a·ry /ˈbaʊndəri, -dri/ Pronunciation [boun-duh-ree, -dree]
–noun, plural -ries.
something that indicates bounds or limits; a limiting or bounding line.
Also called frontier - Mathematics. the collection of all points of a given set having the property that every neighborhood of each point contains points in the set and in the complement of the set.
Cricket. a hit in which the ball reaches or crosses the boundary line of the field on one or more bounces, counting four runs for the batsman.
[Origin: 1620–30]

In our use of language we all-to-often think of a word as meaning one thing. Very rarely is this a reality as the overwhelming majority of words have more than one meaning - especially in the English language. However, we all continue opperate under our own personal understanding of the meaning of the word. This understanding comes from many other aspects - upbringing, culture, ETC.

Recently I've been dealing with understanding my own boundaries as well as those of another person in my life. For the past several days it's been a rough journey. I needed some HELP! So, of course, I went in search of a noun.

I surmise that most people's definition of "boundary" is in that "limit" capacity. Not me. Imagine my delight when the word "frontier" jumped off the page at me as I read the definition. That's exactly how I see a boundary - As a frontier! As an opportunity to explore, and therefore discover, and gain knowledge.

fron·tier (frŭn-tîr)
1. a wilderness at the edge of a settled area of a country
2. an international boundary or the area (often fortified) immediately inside the boundary
3. an undeveloped field of study; a topic inviting research and development

Ahhhh. . . there it is. MY definition of boundary, with a twist. That word "boundary" is certainly prominant. I admit that before now, when thinking strictly about a frontier, I never even entertained that a frontier had boundaries. I always think of a frontier as an open space. I have to acknowledge that the word picture in my mind DOES have edges. I was focusing on the central part of the picture before.

So, I was thinking it through . . .

If we open our boarders to everyone, we get hurt. Humans adore control. It is because of control issues boundaries are set to begin with. Personal boundaries are personal laws - the law of our own personal kingdom. We are the monarch of our own kingdom, and we set out just what laws there are. We set out just who may enter our kingdom and who may not. When we do allow someone to enter our kingdom they are expected to follow our law.

Most of us, when confronted with a boundary, stop dead in our tracks. We are taught that boundaries are not to be crossed under any circumstances. Invasion of another persons "space" is rude, disrespectful, unkind, controling, and unloving.

But, wait!!! Each of us has a desire. A desire for that special someone who walks into our kingdom and explores our frontier. We learn from the explorer - that's what makes them SPECIAL. We find out just exaclty what lives and what does not live in our kingdom from that someone!! If we keep our boarders so protected and fenced in we never allow an explorer to cross any boundaries we never fully know or understand what is on our frontier. What good is living in a kingdom if no one else is there with you?

If you invite someone special to be part of your personal kingdom, then by all means, let them IN. Allow them to explore your frontier, on all sides, that you may know your own kingdom well.

Of course this makes your kingdom vunerable. But consider this . . .

“The person who, being really on the Way, falls upon hard times in the world, will not, as a consequence, turn to that friend who offers him refuge and comfort and encourages their old self to survive. Rather, he will seek out someone who will faithfully and inexorably help him to risk himself, so that he may endure the difficulty and pass courageously through it. Only to the extent that a person exposes himself over and over again to annihilation, can that which is indestructible be found within them. In this daring lies dignity and the spirit of true awakening.” – Zen teacher Kalfried von Durkheim

Open the boundaries of your frontier. You'll discover the dignity of your own kingdom, and awaken to the aspects that keep you from expanding those boundaries. Find what is indestructile about you.