Today's Noun - Purpose

pur·pose /ˈpɜrpəs/
–noun
1. the reason for which something exists or is done, made, used, etc.
2. an intended or desired result; end; aim; goal.
3. determination; resoluteness.
4. the subject in hand; the point at issue.
5. practical result, effect, or advantage: to act to good purpose.

[Origin: 1250–1300; (n.) ME purpos < OF, deriv. of purposer, var. of proposer to propose; (v.) ME purposen < AF, OF purposer]

—Synonyms 1. object, point, rationale. See intention. 7. mean, contemplate, plan.

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We all have purpose in life. Purpose varies from person to person. And, we all have more than one purpose, I dare say.

Today, I'm going to concentrate on just one of mine. The most obvious.

There are many times in my daily life that I have the unshakeable feeling and understanding that the purpose for which I was put on this earth was to call attention to all the lumps under the carpet that people trip over and do nothing about.

Since I was a very young child I've always been the one pointing at the 500 pound gorilla in the room, saying, . . . "Don't you think we ought to get him outta here? He's making us miserable, and no one seems to notice." . . . while everyone else was shhhhh-ushing me, or ignoring me too, and then pulling the proverbial carpet over the gorilla, turning, and saying in response - "What gorilla? There's no gorilla!"

My entire childhood just about the only time I was in trouble was when I spoke openly about things. My poor mother had a real job on her hands trying to teach me about being socially appropriate. Some of it got through my stubborn head. But it's still like I'm *required* to say the things other people won't say. I just have to say, "Ummm. . . that gorilla is just hiding under the carpet. . . hello?"

It amazes me that most of the time, people do choose the lumpy zoo over facing the gorilla head on.

With those who are not in my immediate circle it's pretty easy to let them choose to live there. It's really no skin off my nose, and if they can live with it I can live beside it. With those IN my immedate circle, it's much much harder. When they choose to live with lumps to trip over, and gorilla poop left to smell - or for me to clean up - it's much much harder to deal with. Apparently those who ignore the smell don't understand (or don't care) that I can still smell it, and they are not at all happy about my complaining and holding my nose. I'm not exactly clear on what that does to them in full, but I have a pretty good idea because whether they realize it or not, I *have* heard them.

This "requirement" of purpose causes others to "see" me as arrogant, think I think I know it all, think I think I'm better, smarter, or wiser than them. I don't, but that's how they see it, regardless. Eventually they put me out of their lives. I can understand why. This aspect of my purpose makes me very hard to live with. I can fully understand that. It's GOT to be tough, really tough, to be around someone who is pointing out things they'd rather avoid. I can only imagine what it must have been like for my older children, and now my seven year old, with me as a parent. And, it's one of the main reasons I'm getting divorced - my soon-to-be-ex spouse can not deal any longer with my need to NOT have any lumps to trip over or poop to clean up. I can't blame him. I want him to go and be happy in the way that he is comfortable, and that's obviously better for him.

The people who can handle me and my given purpose are few and far between. The few I've found are those who are sick of walking on lumps and cleaning up gorilla poop themselves. They do support me in my purpose as much as they can. I'm grateful.

It's also painfully obvious to me that they are people who don't have to deal with me on a day to day basis. Is the inevitable saying that I am destined to be alone? That I SHOULD be alone? That if I am to fulfill the purpose I feel G-d has given me, I have to do it without support from someone with skin beside me every day?

I have to analyze everything down to the atomic level(Gawd, I know that must be so annoying to others) as that is an element of this "purpose" I have been given. But how does one fulfill their purpose in life, do what they feel is their G-d given purpose in life, and not rub other people the wrong way? My only conclusion is, I can't. I've tried every way possible time and time again.

So, the choice before me is, fulfill my purpose or not be alone. This is black and white. The grey has already been explored, and there are no answers there. It's one way, or the other, apparently. The nuances of that choice boil down to the rhetorical . . . do I please G-d, or do I please people. . . Do I continue to accept my purpose and continue to fulfill it, or do I listen to others and give in to what they say I should do, which would make them very happy.

Decisions, decisions.